Insecurities

People say (usually applies to models) the prettier you are the more insecure you get. I don't really know if the stereotype is true but I'm sure it does not apply to me. Yes, mortal as I am, I have insecurities. A lot actually if only I think about them often. For instance, I am insecure about by physical appearance. I'm short. I have big arms and bulgy short legs. I have allergy marks on my back. I have scars as big as a 10 centavo coin on my knees and calves. I have split ends. (I miss my uber shiny hair. I don't get to have time to treat my hair anymore e.) I have such manly hands and fingers. I have feet that could be liken to that of a duck's. I get pimples. I have a scar on my face due to a dog bite. I have bulging "bilbil" when I sit. I have a huge, sun-designed navel. (Oh yes, I counted the "rays" and i have eight. another weird thing about me.) I have bad eyesight (200 on the left and 220 on the right with 25 astigmatism). I have short and thin eye lashes. and the list goes on an on...

Crap! It's hard thinking about the things you have but don't really like. But you know, with all honesty, I don't care much if i don't posses the "perfect physical features". I just thought of mentioning them to point out that it's us who makes that insecure feeling come alive. Wanting to be better is normal, and in itself is actually good. The danger appears when you go beyond the boarders. Unnecessary pressure and stress fills you up. Crazy. You die for better looks but don't you see by ranting too much, or even just thinking to much about it can make you the opposite. To illustrate, you stay up all night looking for the diet or exercise that would help you achieve that oh-to-die-for body and looks. Yet sweetie, don't you realize your sacrificing your beautiful eyes just to get that diet plan or exercise program. Chige nga, maganda na yung katawan mo, pero pano pagdating sa face abot sa cheeks na eye bugs mo? Diba? haha. I know it sounds exaggerated but you get what I mean. Some people focus on worrying on things too much that they don't realize what they are actually doing, in one way or another, contradicts their goal.

I enrolled in a gym last thursday, April 17. (I actually just wanted dance class as my summer extra-curricular activity but my partner in crime persuaded me to go to the gym. so i did. ) The goal I had in mind was to lose weight, burn off at least 8% of fat and have sexy abs. pero asa pa. Just this tuesday I felt too lazy to go to the gym na. Today, I thought about the reasons why I set my goals in that manner. Self-fulfillment? haha. Ano yan, ego booster? Ewan. I realized the reason why I go to the gym isn't right that's why I am not to motivated to finish off my work outs. Come to think of it, i'd go to the gym so that i can be sexier. So that i'd have smaller legs and arms. Nice abs and all. So i can deliver better photographs?? Crap. I feel so shallow. I'm not going to the gym just because of that. I'm going to the gym not just to lose weight but also to be fit. I wanna give my workouts a deeper meaning. I wanna be fit not because I wanna run around the beach in bikini but because I wanna be able to have the stamina to climb the beautiful high mountains. I wanna get used to using the muscles i need to scuba dive so I can see the amazing corals down under. I go to the gym to gain more muscles which, by helping me produce heat, can protect me from the breeze of the cold wind when I'm on top of the hilltop. I go to the gym to increase my strength in carrying objects so I can do more things the next time I visit Gawad Kalinga. so I can stand long hours of carrying in my arms my cute pamagkins. I go to the gym and take their dance classes not just to sweat out but to be more flexible and graceful so I can deliver a better dance number for my family and friends the next time we have a reunion. I go to the gym to meet more people who might probably teach me important lessons in my life. to meet people whose life i can probably touch. and the list goes on an on like the water flowing from the stream, to the lake, to the river, to the sea and to the ocean and back to the stream haha... (Pinilit yung poetic lines sana e haha.)

I know each one of us wants to become better, in any aspect of our life. All of us have insecurities. All of us want to change for the better because man is inherently good, roight? Right. This is why I believe in looking at things in an optimistic point of view. Don't let insecurities pull you down or make you feel bad about yourself. Turn them around and use them as a challenge in your journey for the better you. The next time you think of, say, wanting abs.. Don't think about wanting it because you wanna get more compliments like others do. Think about it in a deeper sense. Say, "I wanna have abs so that every-time a little kid in the orphanage punches my tummy it won't hurt much. I can tell him pa to use it as a punching bag for fun. So we can have bonding moments pa." Isn't it more inspiring and uplifting?

Remember, insecurities will forever exist in this world and what makes the difference is looking at the positive side of its coin. Use them to uplift you. Don't feel sad because you are kulang sa height, instead be happy because that height allows you to hold you baby sister or brother's hand just right while walking. If you can't change how things look on you, change how you look at things and enjoy life better.

*Thank God Dr. Lazaro gave us a day rest of making daily paper reports for environmental science. Unlike Yesterday, the guilt i feel while blogging is not much. haha mas mahaba pa yung blog ko kaysa sa paper ko*